5/27/15
Personal Statement
I used to hate myself you know. I used to hate myself so much to the point where I wanted to be like someone else, so much to the point where I didn't know who I was myself. I never quite fit in as a child, I guess I never fit in at all. Always moving around from state to state between my mother and father, my childhood was never quite as happy as my peers described. You see, their childhoods were filled with plenty of fun and friends to play with. Mine on the other hand was pretty much filled trying to fit in with the groups of people that were filled with fun and friends.
I looked up to the cool kids of my school and the girls that all the boys liked. I mean I was young and I always wanted to be liked too, what's so wrong with that? Choosing to be a follower rather than the born leader that I am, I took the unconstructive criticism from those I called friends. Following trends and insecure of the fact that sometimes my expenses didn't allow me to. One day I bought this new pair of shoes, they were from payless. At the time, I was shunned to even go into payless but my new shoes man, I was really excited to get my new shoes. Now don't get me wrong it wasn't that I was living out of a box or in the hood anything. Actually I was living in a nice house in the suburbs with my grandpa, grandma, and mother. During the time there were other things had to be taken care of. I understood why buying a $100 pair of Jordan's that I would outgrow in a year wasn't the first thing on the list of priorities. Whatever, I was okay with it because I was getting my new pair of shoes. The next day I made it through school hoping that people would notice, I was feeling Oh so good, and Oh so cute. As the day went on it was time for me to go to the temporary dungeon, The Boys and Girls Club.
Now most people liked this place because they got along with kid's, they fit in with those of their kind but I never was a part of them. I never quite spoke the way they did or got the meaning behind the way they made fun of each other. But me, no I did not like it one bit! None of the boys liked me and I always felt lame because my friends knew the older kids and they always called them their little sister or something. When it came down to my new shoes I was in the basketball court just playing around and this 6th grader boy that I liked crushed my heart. "You got some new shoes huh? Well they're not better than mine. Where'd you get those from payless?" He continued to torment me every time I went in there. I hated that place, it brought me so much pain. Practicing standing in the mirror telling my reflection "I'm tired of this, I won't put up with your stuff anymore." When it came down to standing up for myself, I was a sweetheart at heart that always laughed and played it off like it never hurt me, but the torment never stopped until I got a little older.
Life took me through many other torments as I got older, basically always trying to fit into places where my soul could not fit I finally realized that I'm just not meant to fit. Just because other people are doing something doesn't mean I should. Just because other aren't doing something doesn't mean I shouldn't. It took me a while to get where I am at now, and I am still growing to and beyond this day. For I always say " sometimes it seems like knowledge turns its back on me and tells me to follow and although it's hard to see ahead I know that it will lead me up higher hills but bring me stronger capabilities." My trials and my pain have just made me into a stronger person. Learning that the world can sometimes be unfair and not letting it change me anymore has only made me smarter.
This was written sometime in November 2014
I have no resentments. For a little while I did, and I was very hard on myself for some of the situations I put myself in, or some of the things I caused. Later coming to the conclusion that it doesn't matter where you're from, it matters where you go from there. I understand that life comes with many obstacles, twist, and turns and sometimes you even trip, but it's up to you to pick yourself up mentally. You being the only person that can perceive things the way that you do, only means that you are living in your own mind, and no one else can do that for you.
That's where self love comes in and is very important. I don't think people understand how important it is, because at the end of the day you can only feel your emotions for you. You cannot eat for other people unless they are your child, and you cannot sleep for other people, therefore you cannot think for other people, vis versa. Most people say " No one understands me" when they are stuck in a rut. This should only show them that they have to understand and accept themselves and work on whatever they are going through. At the end of the day, no one can live life for you. When having a bad day or in a sticky situation think about the bad times you've had in the past, then think about the good times you've had after them; and that should always give you hope. At times, we fail to give ourselves enough credit, and pay more attention to our wrong doings to where our balance gets shaky and we dip off in the deep end. What matters is if you chose to dwell or move forward. Some people just give up before really putting in their full effort because of their fears, lack of confidence, or even laziness. I have always told myself that it is better to try than wonder.
People tend think that they have to act or feel a certain way, based off of what someone else has said or went through. Usually if they don't then they feel inferior because they set up another person's personal reaction as an authority of their own; Not realizing that how they feel is up to them. Saying things such as, "She made me mad." Technically speaking, no one can make you mad because you have a choice to react or not. It's all about self control and realizing that you can have it, but most people do not. This is understandable because most people aren't taught that self love and self control is necessary. Most likely because others wish to control others, or let others control them, and that mindset is passed on. As for the people that do know self control and self love is attainable, it is up to us to lead by example and show those who don't, that they simply can.
"I am very proud of these"
-Brielle Delaney